Problem
This sexuality thing is getting to be an issue with me. Not only do I feel tremendously unloved after the hooha, the guilt is immense as well. And I think I finally get why laws are good for you. When you're woken in the middle of the night to perform acts of 'loving', love is really the furthest from my mind/heart. I guess I could always think of it as being a 'slave for you'... but really, the subservience is most un-fulfilling. And who's to blame for their own degradation from cherished partner to service provider? Me. Laws seek to protect.
Lord, I'm sorry. I know I need help. Please help. Pronto.
The Next 10 Years
Time: 740pm
Place: Burger King at Ikea
While waiting for B, I was flipping through "Her World" when a feature caught my eye. The article was about this lady who gave up her job to volunteer in Timor.
I've always drawn up practical and concrete plans in order that my dreams might be fulfilled. Even though I consider myself quite 'slack' and not proactive in many aspects, in my little ways, I've tried to make my dreams attainable visions.
Since I was 18, I've had a rough 10 year plan that was progressively set in motion.
JC-Uni-NIE-Bond => 10 years
With the 10 year plan coming into fruition in the near future, the magazine article suddenly prompted me that I should start thinking about the next 10 years after the bond. Actually, I've known more or less that equipped with my PGDE and teaching experience, I want to either do humanitarian work or go into the mission field (the later is dependent on specific calling though since childhood, I've been dedicated to do God's work. Mission specific? I don't know yet.).
Even though certain preliminary groundwork have been set in short term mission trips and YEPs, things are still kinda hazy. The details in the magazine article like specific organization the lady volunteered in jolted me into awareness that I have to read up/network etc.
My inner, love-to-plan self started ringing alarms: Think girl! Think! Keep an eye open from now on...
But more importantly, I have to start praying about the relationship with B too.
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Time: 1130pm
Place: Hall
Before reading the verse for QT, I prayed. When praying in tongues, the HS gave me the impression that I was praying about cell group.
As I continued praying, I started crying. It's been a while since I've cried in the presence of the Lord. God revealed to me that my anger at cell mate's comments/concern is not really anger but great hurt. There is much fear and loneliness that no one is supportive of my relationship with B.
Then it finally became clear why God put me through this. Because if I didn't feel so helpless about the r/s with B, I wouldn't submit the relationship to God...
Father, forgive me for my earlier stubbornness. Of bargaining with you and wanting to keep an aspect of my life out of your control. Lord, I cannot do without You. Please be in my relationship with B... Keep us safe and in your path.
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God is wonderful, merciful and faithful to His promise. The verse today was
Genesis 12:1-9.
Even though I might have wandered off God's intentions, His promise and destiny for me still holds true. Thank you God for speaking to me still. And in comforting me.
1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."
Wow! =)
Step by Step
Have been putting my relationship with B to prayer recently.
"About time." some will say.
Yes, at the way things are going now, it is probably a little too late. But then, better late than never right?
So, on Tuesday (13 June) I asked God what I should do about B. I mean, except for the formalities, we are a couple. And in many sense of the word. Though I accept the fact that if God gives me a sign to break things off with him, I should. But it seems really cruel and unnecessary given the fact that there are many Christian scholars/teachers who propose that when it comes to relationships, there isn't THE one and that we all make our own choices.
Given that, the bible verse of that day's QT was strangely comforting (when I expected God to reprimand me/give me directions).
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"
~ Matthew 6:34~
But of course, the verse comes only after "seek first His kingdom and his righteousness..."
Yesterday (Wed) during prayer meeting at home, I was plea bargaining with God. That I can still be a good, efficient servant with this one area of my life kept to myself. I mean, who ever actually manages to submit all to Christ right?
Then today, I suddenly just felt too saturated with B and asked him to give me some me time. I think seeing him everyday has taken away some of that yearning. In a way, I guess not worrying about tomorrow was a prophetic verse.
Today's QT was Romans 6:1-14, reminded me not to allow parts of my body to be instruments of sin.
Then I read James 1: 19-25 (for worship) and it reminded me to "Do" the word and not just read and forget.
Yikes... God is speaking. Better do something about intimacy issues!
QT and Partner
Luke 11: 8 says:
“I tell you, though he will not get up and give him the bread because he is his friend, yet because of the man’s boldness he will get up and give him as much as he needs.”
Verse 9 continues with:
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
What did I ask? My sabbatical year will end in July and I’m starting to wonder what I should do after that… So today, I boldly asked, (and it is bold coz I struggle with not wanting to seem desperate. Yes, strange that even before God, I’m self conscious.) grappling with obedience and personal desires. The prayer went like:
Dear God, please prepare a good marriage for me. And please let it be soon, I don’t want to wait till I’m 40 to settle down.
Hmm… but of course, let everything be done in perfect timing, according to your beautiful plan.
Oh, please let him be a God-fearing man. But let me also be happy and have fun with him.
But like I’ve said, in your timing God.
Coz I don’t want to end up with a wonderful man only to lose him very early.
(Touchwood!)
And God, remember my list of 10 must-have criteria? Since you said boldly ask, I’m going to ask for those 10.
Then again, who am I to know what’s best? Dear God, please choose the best criteria for me…
My internal dialogue shows how much thoughts within me conflate…
So hard even to pray… I have so much to learn.
Thoughts on Christian blogs
Christian blogs tend to be a little boring. I guess that's the nature of these things, that:
1. You write after a particularly divine revelation and therefore write rather seriously/humorlessly, still reeling from the shock of the encounter with God.
2. You, or rather I, think that I should cut away the flowery language. Afterall, it's not a good time to show-off when u're meditating about God. I know this assumption doesn't really hold water, Donne and Herbert wrote lots of beautiful verses that impressed readers as they exalted God. But I'm not that talented la...
3. It's written for personal reference. And I like to cut myself some slack. =)
4. Being personal, details are unnecessary because you were there and you know.
5. Again, because it is so personal, there are certain details and weaknesses that I'm still hesitant and unwilling to share online. And as we all know, it is often the detail that makes any read riveting.
As it is, this probably explains my dilemma. Where I make this blog public, linking it to my online profile in order that I might be witness to God's majesty and work in my life. (Now that I feel more confident about admitting that I'm Christian... another long story.) Yet, I am hesitant to publicize it coz I don't want this to reiterate (yet again) the boring, stuffy Christian stereotype which is absolutely inaccurate.
Sometimes, I think I think too much. Should have just put the whole lot above into prayer.
*sheepish "heh!"*
Hallelujah for Healing
Praise God that on Easter Day 2006, during a healing service in her church, my cousin's leg was healed!
This is a condition that she has been born with and it's really exciting to know that miracles happen in our family!
Pray that her faith in God continues and that her healing be complete.
Commemorating
Starting a new blog today to mark a new milestone in my walk with Jesus. This is to commemorate:
1. The first time I successfully invited friends to a church service.Zhang Bo and Li Bo from my English Speaking Corner (ESC) group attended the Easter concert in City Harvest today.
2. The first time that someone I invited accepted Christ!
Yes, thank God that during Pastor Khong's calling and with the ushers' urging, Li Bo went forward to the stage and accepted Christ. To be honest, I didn't really do anything.
In fact, I was such a chicken that I got the ushers to encourage them while I prayed by the side. But nevertheless, I thank God for allowing me to participate in this particular harvest.
Pretty cool for a first time.
Really glad that God revealed my earlier wrong prayers: I've stopped praying that God lets me reap harvests only when I am to go to the mission field. Now, I pray that God will use me all the time in bringing people to Him.
Am really feeling excited and ecstatic. It's wonderful to be part of God's plan.
Now for the follow-up.
Li Bo wasn't quite sure that by repeating the prayer, she is already a Christian. Pray that on City Harvest's side, people will follow up with her. And also that on the VCF-ESC side, proper follow-up will be done on campus.
Of course, pray that I will have God's love, wisdom and endurance in the nurturing process too.
Glory be to God!
